a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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