she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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