remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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