Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
