lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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