also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
