I'm pants shitting drunk right now
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Someone shattered a urinal.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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