Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
