I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
