At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
