the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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