nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm like, not good at living.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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