wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
