I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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