I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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