return my video game
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
