I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
