I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
