If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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