i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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