everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
