I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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