I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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