Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize