turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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