Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
