i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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