Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
