In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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