You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
