He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
