Just fell off a train. Bad.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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