I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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