Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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