It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
