i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
