So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
