Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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