My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
