i just wanna soil my oats bro
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
