Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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