I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
