There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
