Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
