pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
