You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
