So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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