I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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