honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
