I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
