id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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