Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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