Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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