Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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