I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
