Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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