I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
