I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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