rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
