Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
