I wannas sexs uuuuu
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
