ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
