Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
